The Conspiracy of California Law Makers to Steal Maple Syrup in Canada

I know that lots of you out there don't think about conspiracies about maple syrup and all I have to say is "what the hell is your problem?" Do you people have any idea what this could do to us as a nation? It could kill us off one pancake at a time. (sidenote: Pancakes are also called Hotcakes) Technically if the maple syrup stealing keeps going as it is going now we will never get hit by this epidemic, however it could still spread into the rockies and right down to Utah. Never underestimate the power of Canadian Maple Syrup. It can change a whole society in one swift flick of the wrist. The government will not stop til they get enough, and as we all know, you can never get enough of maple syrup. Madness? Maybe not.

Tales Of Austrengland: Teamship Justice, Part I

Teamship Justice is a fleet of pirate ships under the control of Captain Gordon Shumway. Captain Shumway Captains The Dynamite with a Laserbeam. This is the largest ship with the most water fountains and cleanest bathrooms. The next ship is The VonChettle, captained by Loaf Enjuggs. The VonChettle has the most speed because it is made out of greasy wood. The final ship in the Teamship Justice fleet is The Starspeed, captained by Clete Gulch. The Starspeed the one in the middle that no one cares about. Teamship Justice is full of hilarious characters with really funny names. We had a really great adventure over the last year. Captain Shumway sent me, Gahl Yon, to tell you all about the ups and downs experienced in Teamship Justice.

Well I guess I should start from the beginning where a young Gordon Shumway won the lottery and bought his very first ship. Gordon was told by his father at a very young age, "If you want people to fear you as a pirate, you need to think up a name that is both scary, and futuristic."

Gordon spent many sleepless nights thinking up very scary, very futuristic words. Some of the names that came to mind were, The Learned Samurai with a Flashdrive, The Genetically Bread Tiger with Crocks, and, my personal favorite, The Fire-Breathing Polar Bear under a Blacklight. Gordon knew that none of these would suffice. He knew he needed some inspiration to come up with something good enough to paint on the front of his boat, so he went to the dynamite plantation in Westerton, PA. Not only was dynamite very dangerous, it was also quite futuristic especially if you saw how it was lit off on the plantation. You guessed it, they used laserbeams.

So he found it. The perfect name for is very scary, very futuristic Pirate ship

Yahahar

Tales Of Austrengland: Austrengland, Country or Catastrophe?

My friend Jake and I come from a pretty private place that not many people know about. It is a place called Austrengland. Austrengland is located just north of a group of islands, I'm not sure if you have heard of it, its called Hawaii. What we did is took a nice part of England and a crappy part of Australia and put them together. Unfortunately the two piece didn't go together very well. It was like taking two puzzle pieces that don't go together and trying to put them together. It didn't work too well. But that was ok with us. We lived very happily on Austrengland for many years. Jake became the Captain of Austrengland and I became the Party Emperor. We were sitting in our office in the tallest building in Austrengland. We were on the top floor (the third floor) playing a rather killer game of solitaire, when the fuzzle box (what we called our phones), began to jingle. Jake picked up the fuzzle and said "OY." A man by the name of Terrence Humbigger asked if we were interested in a brand new, top of the line experiment to connect Australia and England together. Of course we were interested, but the experiment was very risky. We thought about it for a few minutes, and decided that it was in everybody's best interests to combine the two for good. Terrence said he had a great big blender that he was going to put Austrengland into and turn it to super ice crush mode. We could feel the ground beneath us starting to spin. At this time I, surprisingly, was in the mood for a snow cone. But, it was way out of line because the experiment began to go totally nutters. everything was being destroyed. The zoos, the supermarkets, the middle schools, the animals, everything. I blacked out after I saw the Austrengland Zoo sink into the ocean. I woke up after everything was gone. I started yelling for my captain. After what seemed like an eternity I heard his voice. We hopped on to the only thing that we saw. It turned out to be a giant turtle shell. There we stood, on our giant turtles shell, looking at the ice crushed remains of Austrengland.

Country or Catastrophe? I saw both. I like to say people came for the Country, but they stayed for the catastrophe.

Cheer Up!

I saw this quote today and it is just what I needed.  But also it freakin blows because it is so true.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

-Philander Johnson-

College Life

Have you ever had the feeling that you aren't going anywhere?  Thats how I feel.  School is a bunch of shit classes that I don't need and yet they still stress the hell out of me.  It seems like everyone around me, wether it be friends, or just some people in a class that I don't even know, know what they are going to do for the rest of their lives.  How the hell do you know that? I am right out of high school. I didn't think i needed to make these decisions until after a mission.  But the reality check that I constantly get is that you are a dumbass if you don't know what you are going to do.  

Also, I thought that college life was supposed to be fun, but so far in my college career I rarely find anything fun to do.  Either because everyone is busy or my friends have other friends who they are hanging out with.  I realize that living at your house even if it is cheaper, still blows because you are always home alone unless you are doing something productive.  And my life right now is  very unproductive.  I know I'm not the only person like this though.  So now I am going to stop sitting around bitchin' and go do something productive with my time.  Maybe even homework :{).

From Day to Day

Each and every day i wake up and wonder what I am going to do that day.  Would you like to know what I say every damn day? School and work!!!  Rarely do I ever hang out with friends.  Either because I work or because they are too damn busy.  I finally got away and came to Denver with my brother.  As we were driving the 8 hours to get here, we had a freakin' blast.  Would you like to know why?  Because there was nothing that we had to  do. No stress to bring our naturally hilarious personalities.  That made me feel great.  The only problem with this trip is that now, more than ever, I want to be rich so that I can forrow my dreams and become a movie star.  My brother Nick and I are going to write a movie that will be the greatest show since Dumb and Dumber.  I think it will be called something like "The Leprechaun who Lost his Shirt" or "Me Gusta Papaya" I would like for it to be out in time for summer 2010, but it won't be.  I have stupid school, and not an endless supply of money.  Thats just how crappy life is sometimes. Damn this life Day to Day.

Deep Thoughts Part V by Matt

Today I was about to buy my deep thoughts from a infomercial but then I had a dream.  This dream wasn't your normal dream about being chased by Goro and Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat, but this dream was about dinosaurs and Dr. Bubblegum Pepper Toilet Bowl Cleaner and Dirtier. The dream I had took place in my home where I was totally safe from any dinosaur attacks.  But once I left the comfort of my own house  I was very likely to be devoured by a dinosaur.  This may seem like  the easiest thing to do to make my own life safe.  But there was a sick twist in this dream.  For days I have been awaiting the arrival of my most recent DVD purchase, Space Jam.  Well what do you know?  Up drives the Mailman and puts Space Jam in the mailbox.  As i open the door and take one step out i have seemed to forget, due to my excitement, that I am prone to dinosaur attacks.  Before I could see what I did next, I woke up.  Now, all day I have been wondering what I would do.  Would I stay in and guarantee another day on this earth? Or would I go get Space Jam and enjoy the show I have looking forward to for so long now?  I personally think I would risk my life because Space Jam is Bitchin. Enough Said.  I Love You :{)